Happy Birthday!

Hi Belash and happy birthday!

To be honest I don't know if I have so much to tell you, but I have so much to tell to myself.

How long have you been dead now? I barely remember. I think it was in July 199? I don't remember!

I remember when we were kids and you always cared too much for me... we grew up and then you found me again... you cared too much again and I could see you were in love. I liked it, but I liked you as a friend. You were in love, I wasn't. It made me feel powerful!

There are so many things I don't remember but I never forget the time you broke up with me. I was 18 years old and a happy girl who couldn't think to be in love. I remember I forgot our date two times and the second time you were so sour that you came to our house. I opened the door. You were sad and I told you sorry I forgot. you asked me out. we went for a walk and you told me you would let me go. I remember all the details. you told me: "I have to let you go, I am fooling myself. I love you and you don't. It is not right. there won't be any future this way." I laughed and said: "What future? We are too young to decide for a future now! You are 20 and you are not even graduated yet." you said: "All you tell me is just matter of time, if you loved me, you wouldn't think this way."

A few years later you had cancer. When I heard I called you and came to visit. You were bald and couldn't walk.  I came to visit you every now and then. we were friends... I was so happy that I never fell in love with you. How could I stand someone I love in that situation?  You told me the same.  You said you were happy that it was a love story for you, not me.  I thought you were really kind to think that way.  One of those last times I visited you; you talked about your thoughts... How sad you were inside and how difficult it is to know you were dying. and you were worried for your mum; how she would tackle it...
You were still working on your invention. I admired you, I still admire you Belash.

I made a sclapture for you for the first and last time in my life. A bald man with shut eyes and ears who screamed from bottom of his heart. You loved it! You decided to paint it in black...

Last time you called me, you were in hospital. You asked me to visit. I didn't. I wanted to but it was too late... A week later in an evening, your friend called and told me you passed away earlier that day. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't cry either.

I came to the mosque. I was moved when I saw you friends and your teachers were there, cried so hard. The whole university were there crying. Your teacher talked about yout invention, your cousin talked about your kindness. I could also talk about you... If I was called to talk about you, I would talk about our experiments in youe little lab in your basement, I would talk about how you could be dead when we wanted to FIX a radio cassette when we were kids. That was a secret between you, me and Amir...

I kept contact to your mom and sister. Last time I was there to visit, I came to your room... you mum siad she kept things you liked most. The sclapture was there...

A year later I was in love myself and at last I had to let it go for the same reason. You know, I can not force someone love me... it was so difficult and I always thought about the day you told me you had to let me go... And I know I will never feel the same for any one again.

You are dead and I am living in a life which is like being dead. I am not in love and he doesn't love me either! He says he loves me, but it is a big lie! I know how a lover behaves ... Couldn't imagin myself live this way...

Happy birthday my friend